HAG: [hag] an acronym meaning horrible at gestures that is applied to presenters whose physical style is…regrettable.
Though audience members are inclined to hate them instinctively, HAGs have succeeded in forging new ground in two new scientific pursuits: first, by conflating the nonverbal expressions of Steve Urkel and the Tasmanian Devil, HAGs introduced Interspecies Assimilation, a field that may one day combine more useful traits than nerdery and reckless destruction. Second, HAGs have prompted new studies in human behavior as more and more attendees report a common malaise—even during discussions of topics they are enthusiastic about—just from watching a HAG speak on the subject. Without HAGs, we might never have discovered that depression is actually communicable via painfully awkward physical movements in the public spectrum.
Being a HAG takes practice. You must spend hours a day resisting the urge to prepare for things. You must tie your hands in unsustainable positions for days at a time until a normal, relaxed posture is, for you, inconceivable. You must attire yourself asymmetrically in order to highlight your hard-earned HAGgery. But above all, you must become a master of not mastering time.
Timing is, perhaps, the most crucial element of joining this elite club of terrible presenters. Like syncopating a high hat with a snare, all gestures that have the potential to reinforce or enhance the spoken word must never correspond to the words they complement. They may lag, but the best HAGs allow physical gestures to precede the words they correspond to. Gestures that follow words indicate a lack of physical energy, even laziness, that is more angering than pity-inducing; gestures that precede words suggest the subjugation of the speaker’s body to nervous excitement. This is far more likely to solicit pity from an audience, a scenario that represents the apex of the awkward presentation.
The Takeaway: Nothing is more authoritative than simply appearing comfortable in front of your audience. This comes natural to no one, but good presenters practice all the time. Get comfortable in the scrutiny of others and you’ll find it much easier to get the message across.
